30 day challenge: day 19

Hey friends! Today I am at MCM Comic Con(I will admit this was pre-written because I know I’m not going to have time to write today) as Taako from The Adventure Zone, a podcast I would thoroughly recommend to anyone who likes D&D, dumb jokes and excellent storytelling.

I also had a job interview yesterday for just a summer job in a warehouse that distributes books around the country. I have a two week trial starting on Tuesday, so we’ll see how that all goes! (I don’t know how much it will bite into writing time – I’ll be working 8 – 4, so I’ll probably be able to write when I get home, at least.)

Anyway, on to today’s post:

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST REGRET IN LIFE?

This one’s going to be a little heavy. Apologies.

I don’t like to talk about regrets much because I don’t think it’s super healthy to dwell on them, but I can’t deny that I have a few, mostly regarding relationships.

As you’re all aware, I’m happier than ever in my current relationship, and that’s a heck of a blessing. But that doesn’t mean I haven’t had some pretty garbage ones in the past – namely, my first girlfriend.

We started dating when I was 14 and broke up shortly before I turned 18, and while I was entirely a little shit as a teenager, I can’t pretend that some of that didn’t stem from that first relationship. I don’t think, at least right now, that I want to go into a whole lot of detail – talking about it too much brings up a lot of bad feelings – but it was a really, really toxic and manipulative situation. I cut off all contact shortly after we broke up and it kind of hit me exactly how bad I’d let things get while we were together. I haven’t seen or heard from her in about five years now, thankfully.

My regret, I think, isn’t that that relationship happened. I think the regret lies in letting it continue for over three years. I clung to it with every fibre of my being because it was safe, and all that time chipped away at my self esteem to the point where I genuinely didn’t think anyone else could love me.

I wish, more than anything, that I could’ve just got out sooner – that I could’ve seen how bad it was from the outset, even, so I wouldn’t have got involved in the first place.

I don’t know where she is now or what she’s doing. All I care about is that she’s not near me. But I can’t shake the frustration at myself for letting myself be dragged through the mud like that, for clinging to someone because I just didn’t think there was anything better for me, for letting her dominate my entire goddamn life in the way that she did. I’ve had relationships since – never one as bad – but never have I been able to shake the anxiety she instilled in me that has torn other relationships, platonic and romantic, apart.

The thing is, though … would I have gotten to this point – would I appreciate just how good I have it now if I didn’t go through that – if that hadn’t happened? Maybe not. But maybe it would, and I could’ve been spared years of bitterness and heartache and growing entirely too attached to people just because they showed a glimmer of interest in me in the process.

Anyway, apologies again for how heavy this one got. I’m pretty sure tomorrow’s won’t be quite so riddled with angst.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s