on change

I have had a lot of deviantART accounts through the years. I’m not going to tell you what they are because I am anxious and also, my 13-17 year old self was a problematic shitlord.

So earlier today, I wanted to go through and delete some of them because I really … really didn’t want some of the gross things my younger self said floating around willy-nilly on the internet (thankfully I’ve never really been ‘popular’ online, so it’s not like anyone’s gonna have saved any of it, hopefully) but I could only remember the password for one of them (the oldest, which is nice). So the rest still exist, showcasing a me I wouldn’t necessarily say I’m proud of. But I am proud to look through those accounts and see how much growing I’ve done over the years.

I spent something like two hours just going through the journal sections of those old accounts, kind of reliving my teenage years in a way, and a lot of it was pretty neutral but some of it, holy shit, I was so bitter and angry back then. And now, looking back, I can see why – abusive relationship, struggles with gender, struggles with sexuality, having a hard time with family, a cocktail of undiagnosed mental illnesses … like, I literally didn’t think I’d make it to 21, and that’s really sad.

And it’s wild to compare that to now – today I’m lying on the sofa in the flat I’m living in with my boyfriend – hopefully our first home together of many, because he really is the best I’ve had and the first I’ve been able to seriously envision a future with – in a city where all of my friends will be close by if they aren’t already. Tonight, I’m going to go see friends and get drunk and probably have a really good time. Sure, I’m not totally mentally illness free and 100% happy constantly but I sure as fuck am content, and things are so much better.

I’ve grown a lot. And I’m proud of myself for that, for becoming more open-minded, more accepting, more able to find and enjoy the good things in life rather than constantly just actively destroying them to save losing them.

I’ve seen a lot of people say that they hate change, that things changing scares them and they wish things would never change, and I think that mentality is absolutely toxic and terrifying because change in almost every circumstance leads to progress, and who doesn’t want that? I am so happy and grateful for all the changes that, good or bad, ended up bringing me here.

So that’s been my day. It’s been nice to reflect.

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